Updated: Dec 12, 2022
*Warning, language ahead. No it is not excessive, yes I know it is bad. If you do not like it may I suggest finding a different blog?
My whole life I have felt every rock and stick under my feet, every piece of sand. So often I was told that I was too sensitive... that I just needed to toughen up a bit. That everyone felt like they had to walk on eggshells around me because they were always afraid of "hurting my feelings."
And every time it hurt... Not because they were trying to hurt me but because I understood it to mean that I would never fit in... I would never be the one they picked to hang out with. They were totally okay with being vulnerable with me and letting me encourage them on a rough day. I was a built in therapist for all my friends. Yet, I was the last one standing on the gym wall waiting to be picked for a team. So I just kept going...
I put my head down...
I worked my butt off...
I ignored every closed door conversation...
Every time I found out I wasn't invited...
I apologized way too much...
Took the fall way too much...
And allowed way too many people to walk on top of my compassion and kindness.
But in that, I have learned so much! It taught me to stand tall. It taught me that....
1. TAKING CRAP FROM PEOPLE IS A PERSONAL CHOICE
People dish it out, but know this about it:
A) It really is not personal...
Most people are thinking about what is happening in their own world most of the time. If a coworker has their angry face on, it probably has nothing to do with you. Just move on.
B) Be clear about what is and is not ok....
I loved the way Reese Witherspoon put it in the movie "Home Again" She said, "When you don't show up, it makes me feel like crap, and I don't want to feel that way." She was sooo clear that when her new boyfriend didn't show up to a dinner party, she was not ok with it. She learned to be clear.
TRULY, listen up if you are a people pleaser like me... There is nothing wrong with speaking truth in love. Stop letting the people around you walk all over you! You will either need to speak up and be CLEAR about what needs to change or you may need to move on.
If you are in a abusive relationship- GET OUT... No it won't be easy but there are kind humans in this world. Find support and let the people around you love and help you.
If your work is legitimately nit-picking and tearing you down- FIND A NEW JOB!
If your boss does not see your value and give you the opportunity to move forward- MOVE ON!
If your family is passive aggressive or unhealthy- ADD SPACE until things change
NO, I am not telling you to run away from every bad situation in your life but at some point you need to have enough self-dignity to stand up and say what is OK, and what isn't OK.
Brene Brown says it like this... "Clear is kind, unclear is unkind."
So be clear about what is ok in the way people treat you and what is not. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be yelled at or belittled. NOTHING. I believe in you, you can do this.
2. START TREATING YOURSELF BETTER THAN YOU TREAT OTHERS
If you are like me and you are a perpetual giver, start setting hard boundaries around how you will treat yourself. If you have the drive to go into work early, great, but have you taken care of yourself (worked out, eaten food not in a wrapper, and spent time with people who love you)? When you start putting this first it will help you get your perspective straight and you may even feel a little more appreciated!
3) YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUFF, AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE....
One day I was sitting with a friend at an outdoor seating area right outside of a cute coffee shop downtown. The inebriated man sitting at a table next to us was not feeling well. Despite his efforts to hide the way he was feeling he ended up puking on the concrete between his feet.
When we got up to leave we were careful not to walk through the pile..... but it made me think, so often when others verbally vomit on us we walk right through it. We pick it up, carry it around, and even let it replay in our heads at night. Replaying their remarks and coming up with our bad-ass retaliations over and over again. Listen..... This is not our "pile" and yet we are so eager to pick it up. We have to stop it, let them clean up their own mess and humbly move on.
4) YOUR EMPATHY AND TENDERNESS IS A GIFT...
Yes, a gift... You see people in a way that maybe no one else will. You can bring justice to those who have no voice, an advocate to the marginalized, and bring hope to someone who may have lost hope.
This even shows up in our kids!!!
A little boy saw a few kids playing at the park next door. He ran outside just as fast as he could go and grabbed his skateboard. He rode as fast and confident as he could down to the playground and sat on the bench just a few feet away from the play area. He put his head down and sat there for 30 seconds or so, as if he was just waiting for an invitation to join in the game of tag the kids were playing.
After no invitation came, he got up and rode his skateboard home... just then my daughter realized what happened and tried to catch up to him. But he was too fast. A few minutes later he tried again. Riding back down the sidewalk, she ran up to him and asked if he wanted to play. After figuring out they were playing tag, trying to play it cool he said, "I don't know if I have played that in a while." Then he came to LIFE! His face lit up and he was the king of the playground!
She was able to advocate for him, invite him to be a part of the game and give him a voice!
It is amazing what can be seen when you slow down and show empathy. This world does not see much of it anymore!
My feet are now much stronger and yet still so tender and for the rest of my life I will fight to keep them that way! (And if anyone doesn't like it... we just won't be best friends)